Raven fan mail #1 Harold

Dear diary

Raven here

 

I am DONE with Lollipop and am too shy to tell you cats and kittens about my humans yet. The humans, especially the handsome boy, have set up something called a (human word) “blog”, and called it “Handsome Boy Writes.” A very appropriate name if I do say so myself.

 

So…. On HBW, the humans have been posting… MY DIARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have gotten various comments and fan mail from cats, kittens and even humans across the U.S. I have decided to respond to all of your fan mail.

 

This is one of my favorite cat letters from Harold, a dear friend who lives all the way in Houston, Texas. Harold, look for my response under your letter, which is as follows.

 

Raven!  I don’t have much time. I am writing to warn you, most miserable master of the mini cat mysteries. My human assistant left his computer open – and, well, he was reading YOUR DIARY!!!  GROWWWWLLLLLL  I think he knows one of the humanoids in your house. I fear they may be….SPYING on you.

 

Be careful my dreaded defender of feline freedom. I think the humans know….

 

Your biggest fan,

Harold de Houston  (^ ^)

 

P.S. If you win the truce with Lollipop, who are you going to fight? The suspense is making me cough up furrrrr….baallllss! ACK! ACk! ACK!!!!!!!

 

Greetings and salutations Harold de Houston (^ ^)

I have received your correspondence dated 9/24/21. Despite the armistice, I am still going well. My humans are treating me well. You should come over and meet them. They’re very benevolent humans. The purrrrrrre, extreme handsomeness of the handsome boy will make you barf up the dead rat you killed on the way here. My address is 3145, 35^th Avenue S. My only piece of advice is STAY AWAY FROM THE HANDSOME BOY’S BALLS!!!!!!!!!! (newton’s balls) IT’S NOT A CAT TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE ARE TOXINS IN THOSE THAT ARE EXTEREMELY DEADLY FOR CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST STICK TO NEWCAT’S FURBALLS. OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So.. The truce. The basic idea was that I tried to agree to a truce with Lollipop, (that’s my neighbor. You’ve probably seen or heard of him from videos or previous diaries. He’s a great cat. We loooooove fighting. We’re frenemies.) but he still wanted to fight. Next thing you know, he and I are on trial at CatCourt. There were many, many witnesses and many steps. Too much to describe. But I won, and now I have no one to fight. (Oh… You’ve probably already read part 1 of the trial. I might be giving away too many “spoilers”, as humans call them). Maybe you could move in with Lollipop’s X human’s house and be my new frenemy. I’m working on a poll to see who wants the job. Responses are currently coming in. maybe you could participate and enter to win. The deadline is on a human holiday, “Halloween”, on October 31st in which black cats apparently are a great symbol of. I’ve eavesdropped on snippets of human conversation, and it seems they’re planning to dress me in a “costume”, a human tradition on Halloween. Even worse, they want me dressed up as a DOG!!!!!!! SEALLY??????? OF ALL THINGS. A DOG!!!!!! This dog is apparently named Scooby Doo. Do you know him? Does he happen to be your frenemy neighbor? Apparently, he goes around with four humans solving mysteries, catching monsters and saying SCOOBY DOOBY DOO and MEDOLING KIDS like he’s some kind of life saving hero. If you know such a dog, answer that on your response. WAIT… What’s that noise I hear? WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Other than Lollipop, (Oh. It pains my entire cat heart just saying that name), it’s now one of the most farmiliar sounds in my cat universe. Human delivered food. My humans have a great automatic food system, but it only automatically works in the  morning. I’ll continue later.

I very much appreciate your fanmenship.

 

Stay in touch

Your friend,

Raven Hanson