Raven diary #37: The Case of the Tresspooping Felines pt 3: On the case

Dear diary,

Raven here. ^^.

Folks. It’s time. Lolli and I have packed the binoculars and were really ready to find out who done it and bring our neighbor to justice. The binoculars connect to the handsome man’s iPad, so we pack that as well. Once Lolli and I are outside and heading to the house, we talk over the plan. Once we finish discussing, we arrive at house 5555. We hide behind a bush, just to be extra cautious. We planned this at a purrrrfect time. The human is out doing weird human stuff, so we get the porch all to ourselves.

“Okay,” whispers Lolli, fumbling the iPad and binoculars. It takes about 20 minutes for us to figure out how to set up and use the binoculars, but once we finally do, I situate them to my eyes as Lolli looks on the iPad. I scan the porch and we look closely, but nothing seems to be on the porch except some run-of-the-mill trees.

“Wait!” yowl-whispers Lolli, throwing down the iPad and pointing a desperate paw. “Ramona’s coming! Hide!”

I look and sure enough, a large, intimidating female human is clop clop clopping along the driveway toward the porch. We waste no time. I quickly put away the binoculars and we pop under the bush. Ramona stares at the bush suspiciously but passes us and heads toward her house. We pop back up from the bush, shaking leaves from our fur.

“Phew!” meows Lolli. “That was close.”

I’m about to respond when Ramona, who had just stepped into her doorway, looks over her shoulder. Suddenly, her face turns shocked.

“Are those…” she mutters, looking at us closer. We try to hide, but it’s no use.

“CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the human screams. She lunges for us in the bush. We jump out and claw and bite the human as much as we can, yowling all the while. I do my classic underpawed move where I hang upside-down on her arm by my paws. Then, I flip up onto all four paws and scratch her arm intensely. Ramona whales in pain and Lolli claps his paws. Lolli tries very unsuccessfully to do the same maneuver. I make a mental note to teach Lolli the underpaw sometime in the future. Now, we had a neighbor to face off and a case to solve.

“You don’t understand!” yowls Lolli. “These cats don’t deserve the amount of hatred you’ve been giving them. Sure, they’ve pooped on the porch but so what. Can’t you clean the poop up? And yes, cats talk. You just haven’t listened close enough. Face the facts human! Face the facts!”

Ramona looks stunned. I can’t tell if she’s convinced, but it doesn’t look like it. She blubbers in utter surprise. She even says some words and phrases that I’m pretty sure are inappropriate in human language, so I’ll keep them out of here. Lolli seems to know these bad words because each time Ramona says one, Lolli cups an orange paw over her mouth. Finally, Lolli and I decide to not make this another problem on our paws and get this human over with.

We decide to just hightail it out of there before Ramona can do anything else to bombard us. Looks like this case has to wait.

A week later, we arrive back on the scene. The human is off on vacation, so we REALLY DO get the porch to ourselves. The porch is a calm place without the human around. It has a neatly done garden and a couple chairs. Nothing a cat would appeal to. We walk onto the porch, and we look carefully around, looking for anything that might serve as a clue. Suddenly, Lolli stops at a corner of the porch, a growl forming. I stop and look carefully at the corner of the porch to see the last thing I’d expect to see at a crime scene. Four shiny bottles of CatShine Fur Dye. Orange, Yellow, Brown, and Gold.

“What?” I meow. “No one’s used CatShine Fur Dye since like… the 80s.”

For any kittens who don’t know, CatShine Fur Dye was a company that made products that could dye your fur in any color. Cheesy bands and singers in the 80s and 90s used it a lot at concerts to look cool.

“Exactly,” Lolli growls. “There’s only one cat I know who still uses CatShine to this day.” He growls so loud and angrily, I think my ears are about to pop off. “Bruce Yowler.”

TO BE CONTINUED…