Raven diary #31: Home for Catsmas

Dear diary,

Raven here.

Folks. The humans left the house yesterday and since then, we’ve been rockin around the Catsmas tree with Santa Paws nonstop. We’ve sung almost every pawsible Catsmas carol from Meow Meow Bellls to Santa Paws is Coming to Town. We’ve turned the human’s Christmas tree into our Catsmas tree. We’ve opened gifts from Santa Paws. There’s still a few things we haven’t done.

“Alright felines,” yowls Santa Paws. “Settle down. Settle down.”

Once we’ all settle down, Paws surveys the room. “I think it’s time for you all to meet my sleigh cats.”

We cheer and yowl in utter excitement, but before Santa Paws can bring out the first kitten, we hear footsteps that are too big to be kitten steps. We all turn in horror as a large human girl towers over us. She doesn’t look much older than the handsome man, but she looks mad.

“I WAS JUST EXPECTING A PEACEFUL TIME WITH RAVEN FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the human shouts. “BUT WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING IN HERE???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!?????!

“W..we were just having a C…C…Catsmas party in here,” Honeytoast stutters. “D…D…Don’t mind us.”

“WELL GO DO YOUR CATSMAS BUSINESS SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!!!!!” the human yells. “I CAN’T FEED ALL OF YOU AT ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The human picks up a pillow and starts aggressively waving it at us. “SHOO SHOO SHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  she yells like we’re tiny flies in her soup. We run downstairs but the human follows.

“WHAT WILL YOUR HUMAN OWNERS SAY WHEN THEY FIND YOU PARTYING IN HERE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!??????” the human shrieks, but Harold manages to lock the door before we can answer.

“Man,” growls Harold as the human knocks aggressively on the door. “That human is a doozy!”

“I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!!!!!!!” shouts the human. “OPEN UP!!!!!! OPEN UP!!!!!!”

We ignore her.

“We just can’t go on knowing there’s a dangerous, violent human out there,” growls Santa Paws. “What do we do?”

“I have an idea,” purrs Lolli. He goes over to a large mat and… “BLEH!!!!” he throws up right on it.

“No. Not that,” says Lolli. “I was thinking more of a fool the human idea.”

We toss around bad ideas until Santa Paws speaks up.

“What if we give the human a Christmas present and wrote a note explaining Catapaloosa. Then, she wouldn’t be mad at us.”

“GREAT IDEA!!!!” yowls Harold. “EVERYONE WINS!!!!! I’ll see if I can find a ball of yarn or something!”

While Harold looks, the rest of us get to work on a letter. In fancy script, we manage to write:

Right as we put the letter in the envelope, Harold runs up to us.

“I JUST FOUND THE FURRRRRRFECT GIFT!!!!!!!!” he yowls in excitement. He holds up a tiny, realistic looking toy mouse.

“Quick,” Lolli hastily writes To angry human, from partying felines on the envelope and wraps the gifts. “The human’s coming.”

We hide as the human stomps into the room and stops to eye the gifts.

“Hmmmmmm. What’s this?” the human mumbles. She pick up the gift and unwraps it. She reads the card over a few times. Then she picks up her gift and throws it around in her hands with a smile on her face.

“Thanks,” the human says in a much calmer tone of voice. “Look. I’m sorry too okay. I thought I’d have a nice relaxing Chri… Uhhhhh I mean Catsmas with Raven. But instead, I got something a bit strange but fun, nonetheless. All of these crazy but cool felines around me. And a new mouse toy of course. Oh. And by the way, my name’s Harper. Not Angry Human.”

Without another word, Harper exits the room, and we yowl in victory.

“Well,” says Santa. “I think we deserve a ride in my sleigh tonight. What do you say.”

We yowl in joy and then we ride with Santa Paws as we sing The Twelve Days of Catsmas.

“On the first day of Castsmas my feline gave to me, a robin in a pear tree.

On the second day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the third day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 7 hacked up hairballs, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 8 turbo cat toys, 7 hacked up hairballs, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 9 tiny collars, 8 turbo cat toys, 7 hacked up hairballs, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 10 dogs a howling, 9 tiny collars, 8 turbo cat toys, 7 hacked up hairballs, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 11 uncooked salmon, 10 dogs a howling, 9 tiny collars, 8 turbo cat toys, 7 hacked up hairballs, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.

On the twelvth day of Catsmas my feline gave to me, 12 catnip bushes, 11 uncooked salmon, 10 dogs a howling, 9 tiny collars, 8 turbo cat toys, 7 hacked up hairballs, 6 kittens pawing, 5 SCRATCHING POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 frenemies, 3 yarn balls, 2 juicy mice and a robin in a pear tree.”

 

When we finish, Santa Paws yowls:

“MEOWY CATSMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A PURRRRED NIGHT!!!!!!!!”