Dear diary,
Raven here.
Ahhhhhhhh. So peaceful. The handsome children and one adult human are gone, and I have nothing on my schedule. I’ll just sit back and… Wait? There’s a scratching and banging noise right in front of me. I whip around to find Lollipop slinking into the kitchen. How is this pawsible!?
“How in the feline world did YOU get in MY HOUSE, Lollipop??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????” I yowl at the top of my lungs.
“Uhhhhhhh,” Lolli purrs. “For your information, Raven, I am your next-door-neighbor. I just thought I’d stop by for a chat and some catnip.”
“CHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????” I yowl so loud that Lollipop sprints out the door. I follow. We sprint past the backyard, towards the little human’s school, yowling all the while.
“THAT’S MY HOUSE AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yowl, scaring a large cage of plump and juicy looking birds. I hear a chorus of chirps and the flapping of wings as we pass. Now isn’t the time for lunch though.
“Raven. I was just bored,” says Lolli as we continue the chase. “I just decided Honeytoast and I could introduce you to our new friend, Tortoise. He’s quite nice.”
This name takes me by surprise. Even so, I keep up the chase.
“Oh. I’ve had my share of run-ins with that cat,” I growl. “And he’s as slow as a tortoise. That’s for sure.”
“Yeah… I guess,” Lolli says. “But once you get to know him, he’s very kind. Please Raven. I wasn’t in your house to cause any harm.”
“So, you decided to just sneak into my house without notifying me first?” I growl in anger. “How DARE you?”
I turn on Lollipop and pounce on him with a loud “MROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The collision sends us into a rolling black and gold ball of raging furballs. We plummet down the hill all the way home.
We roll into the backyard and smash into the brown gate. We’re both sprawled out on the grass. A large, dark-gray cat is looking down at us with a somber expression on his whiskers. Lollipop and I stand up and shake a few leaves, sticks, and twigs out of our fur.
“Tortoise,” I growl, narrowing my eyes. “Where did YOU come from? If it weren’t for you, I would probably be curled up in the handsome boy’s bed right now.”
“I snuck into Raven’s kitchen because I wanted to introduce you two,” Lolli explains. “But it ultimately led to a chase and a bundle of other feline fiascos. Raven got super mad that I didn’t let her know beforehand and got a bit physical.”
Lollipop turns and displays a few scratches and red bumps from the collision.
“We’re kind of… ummmm…” Lolli searches for the right words. “Frenemies, you see.”
“Well Raven and Lollipop,” says Tortoise, pacing around us. His voice and movements are so slow, there’s no question how he got his name. “I’m new to this neighborhood and I’ve seen you two battling a lot. Raven and I have even gotten into a few quarrels ourselves. Isn’t that right, Raven?”
I nod.
“Yes. Indeed, we have,” I say. “And they seem to be for good reason. Your friend here snuck into MY house just to invite me to meet you.”
“As I’ve been told,” Tortoise drones. “Lolli,” Tortoise slowly turns on Lollipop and arches his back. “You’re a way better cat than this. Look what you’ve gotten yourself into! There are much better ways of giving news to cats than just sneaking into the house!”
“And what might that be?” spits Lolli. “I can’t just sneak onto the human’s devices and email or text her, can I?”
Suddenly, an idea starts formulating in my head. Tortoise then starts picking his claws and self-fetching and chasing an orange ball like a dog. Lolli stares at Tortoise in a what the meow are you doing?????????????????????????????, kind of way.
“Oh, I’m just goofin,’” says Tortoise. “New cat goofin.’”
“Ignore him,” Lolli whispers into my ear. “If there’s one thing you should know about Tortoise, it’s that he can’t stop making references to Paws 9-1-1. He’s obsessed!”
“I have a plan, everyone,” I say. “Follow me! Tortoise, you come too. We’ll go as slow as we can. Paw promise?”
“Paw promise,” says Tortoise, and we manage to touch paws. Very, very slowly.
“Follow my lead,” I whisper.
We crouch down and slink into the house via the handsome boy’s ramps. Our paws aren’t designed for this kind of human technology, and they clang a bit on the metal ramp, but we manage. Once we’ve slinked through the small crack and through the human cooking and eating rooms, we reach the livingroom. We all resist the urge to curl up on the handsome boy’s couch for a good nap. There’ll be time for that later.
“Where are we?” Tortoise asks inquisitively.
“This is my livingroom,” I meow. “We need to find a screen with a dark purrrrrple case. It must be here somewhere.”
Lolli digs under the couch and pulls out the purrrrple cased screen.
“Thanks Lolli,” I purr contently. I press the button on the right side and a picture of the handsome boy, and his mom pops up on the screen. They’re in the snow bundled in winter gear. A red barn is in the background. I punch in the password that I’ve seen the human put many times, 1 3 5 7. A bunch of apps and notifications pop up on a backdrop of the Dark Side of the Moon album cover. I click the blue e-mail icon in the bottom left corner.
“This is one of the ways we can contact each other. As you can see,” I point a paw to the left side of the screen. “There have been many human emails sent.”
“Yeah,” says Lolli. “I see a LOT of human Wordles.”
“Yes Lollipop. Great observation,” I purr. “The handsome man does it every morning, and his grandmothers, aunt and occasionally his parents follow. But what matters now is that I’ve made a special, secret email account just for the felines of Seattle (with the exception of Harold, in Houston of course).” I click some buttons and get onto another email account. There is only one thread between me and Honeytoast. “Honeytoast and I have been coordinating back and forth about how this email will work. I’ll get us all emails in the coming weeks. Any questions?”
Tortoise raises a paw. Slowly, of course.
“Yes Tortoise,” I purr.
“Will we be able to send our purrdles? It took me three this morning!”
“Yes,” I meow. “But that’s a whole different story. You’ll learn that easily. Any other questions?”
Silence.
“We’ve learned all we need to know,” says Lolli finally. “I think we can go now. I’ll give you a test email, okay.”
“Okay,” I purr. And without another word, the felines slink out the door.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Now I can curl up without a care in the world. Suddenly, I get an email from Lollipop. It says Hi Ravie. Can you read this?
I email back in all Caps YAY. IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!