Raven diary #25: The advertisement

Dear diary,

Raven here.

So sorry fans. I had to kill this unassuming rat in the backyard. When there’s an opportunity for a snack, I just can’t resist. Anyway, where were we. Oh yes. Honeytoast and I have just finished setting up the backyard and are now planning to advertise this party.

“It’s gotta be all over CatTube,” Honeytoast growls indignantly, pacing back and forth. “The first thing cats see when they log onto a video.”

“I have an idea!” I yowl. “How about we simulate cats playing at the party. That’ll really make it purrrsuasive.”

Honeytoast’s fur fluffs up with excitement. “YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Honeytoast yowls so loud, I jump. “But… how?? And one question. What does “simulate” mean?”

“It means we’ll make it look like there are celebrities in the ad, but really, they’re just robot cats PRETENDING to be world famous felines. And I happen to know just how to do this.”

“WAIT. RAV- “

But I’m already dialing the hottest spy agency this side of the Mississippi. Yup. The one and only. Feline Unknown. They’re TOTALLY secret (sort of), and to talk to them, you must speak to them entirely in Cat Latin. I let Honeytoast take the phone and take it from there. He begrudgingly takes my order.

The Feline Unknown shop is bustling with cats of all shapes, sizes and colors doing their work. And who knows HOW many confidential machines are whirring, operating and puffing smoke that makes us gag and cough. A chubby pure black cat sits at the receptionist’s desk, and as we reach him through the throng of cats and kittens, Honeytoast wobbles a little. At first, I assume it’s just trouble with his double thumb, but as we reach the gray receptionist’s desk, it becomes clearer.

“Greetings follow feline friends,” drones the one and only Derel Mousias. “Please state your names.” He has a bored, droning voice like that of Lemony Snickcat. And if none of you have any idea who that is, you have some serious… uhhhhhh… What do humans call it… Googling to do.

“Raven Purrrmilo Stanscat Hanson,” I say as officially as I can.

I gesture to Honeytoast and he blurts out “Happyghost School Hair,” before wobbling onto the glass floor with a loud CLANG. I soon realize that his eyes have shut. He’s fainted from seeing the famous spy.

“Sorry sir. He’s just a little out of it. His name is Honeytoast Schuler and we’re here to construct some Catbots.”

“Ah. Catbots you require?” Mousias drones.

He slips a huge piece of paper towards me. It asks for your name(s), date of birth and a truckload of other random and probably useless questions.

“Once your friend snaps out of it, FILL THIS OUT.” I’m surprised at how strict he sounds. “My assistant will guide you the rest of the way. And what he is may surprise you. Wait here.”

I’m trying to figure out what he means as I fill the mundane form out. Honeytoast finally comes too. He’s muttering weird things like “Lolli. I swear. Your toys are right here.”

I shake Honeytoast as hard as I can. She finally comes too as a creature I’ve never really seen before, only eaten, hops down the glass floor, Derel striding along at its side. The creature is very small and black, slightly fat, and its ears stick up tall and vertical.

“Felines. Meet my assistant. Ziggy the bunny,” Derel introduces in an elegant tone, as if addressing royalty. “He will guide you the rest of the way. Now I must go. I have more important business to attend. I’m a very busy man you know. Oh. And one more thing.” Derel turns to Ziggy. “These felines seem very accepting of newcomers, even ones that would usually be seen as a cats’ lunch. I assure you these felines won’t eat you. Right Raven and Milktoast?”

“Oh yes,” I meow.

“Yep,” Honeytoast meows. “And it’s Honeytoast. Not Milktoast.”

“Very well. Very well,” says Ziggy.

“Good,” Derel says. “Now I best be on my way. Chop chop! Oh. And Honeytoast. Sorry for the misnaming.”

And with that, Derel strides out of the room and locks the door, leaving me, Honeytoast and Ziggy too it.

“Greetings feline friends,” Ziggy says, surveying us with his dark green eyes. His voice is overrun with age. “What is it that you require on this fateful day.”

“Robot cats programed like celebrities to advertise our summer Catapaloosa party,” I explain.

We explain every last detail to the old rabbit, who listens intently to every word.

“I know just where to take you,” wheezes the bunny. “Follow me!”

He leads us down a long corridor with many doorways into many rooms. It’s kind of hard considering we have to hop to keep up. Honeytoast and I stumble at least twice but we finally make it to the last door in the hall. It’s taller than all the others and made from cracked dark gray stone. Ziggy mutters a mysterious code, and the door opens.

Ziggy hops us into a dark, cavernous room with LOTS of inventing supplies and a gold chandelier hanging from the celing in the shape of a ball of yarn.

Ziggy shows us how all the machines and materials work and before you can say Summer Catapaloosa, we’ve built the robot cat celebrities and filmed the ad for Summer Catapaloosa.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *